Mrs. Neaton-Tidy

“Large areas of England have less than 10% tree cover, study finds”

I read this in the Guardian today and nearly spat out my cornflakes in rage. It’s a subject that’s been close to my heart and gnawing at my brain for years. But it was no surprise to see such alarming data in the article. It was no surprise because this country is full of idiots.

Take one of my neighbours, the eponymous Mrs. Neaton-Tidy here. It isn’t her real name. I don’t know her real name and I don’t want to. It’s what I call her, and this is why…

… Every day her fat arse (if I am allowed to use the word ‘fat’ in these ridiculously puritanical times) blocks out the sun as she bends over to pick up the tiniest fallen leaf, the smallest pebble that might’ve been kicked up by a passing car, or she might even be spotted taking the kitchen scissors to a single blade of grass that has the temerity to grow taller than a couple of centimeters.

Now, where I live is surrounded by woodland, and every time the sea breeze dares to get above gentle, out comes Mrs. Neaton-Tidy to pick up the ‘litter’. Normally this kind of compulsion would make me titter, but one morning recently I woke to the whirring sound of chainsaws… and saw to my horror that she was having a beautiful cherry blossom tree lopped. In the springtime, the tree (which happens to be on communal grounds not her private garden) is emblazoned with beautiful colour, a sight to behold. For me at any rate. But not for Mrs. Neaton-Tidy, because the petals duly fell and blew onto her lawn, meaning she had to come out with her little plastic bucket to tidy up the ‘mess’. Anyway, now it’s gone, murder has been had, there will not be beautiful pink and red flowers to behold this Spring.

Some might say that Mrs. Neaton-Tidy might be ill. Perhaps she is, I will never know. But what I definitely know is that she is an idiot, one of the millions of idiots in this fucked-up country who are obsessed with neatness, who are selfish, destructive and shortsighted beyond belief, and are too ignorant to realize how important it is for us to have trees.

People like Mrs. Neaton-Tidy want their arses kicking.

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