I used to do a lot of these A to Z’s in the Ottermobile days, so I thought in these challenging times I’d have a go at an alphabetical summary of likes and dislikes – as much to amuse myself as anyone wasting their time reading it.
A = Antisocial. For those of us who can’t stand the human race, self-isolation is heaven-sent, but for those of us who crave a bit of the other, it’s hell.
B = Bollocks. The first word I utter when I wake up on Saturday morning and remember there’s no football.
C = Crowds. They are to be avoided by law, meaning that (as I’ve lately realised) crowdfunding is something to avoid as well.
D = Dog owners. Not all of them, just the ones who phone 999 to ask if it’s still OK to take it for a walk and hang a bag of shit from a tree.
E = Eastenders. Now they can’t go out they won’t be able to spend the entire day searching the square for someone to threaten.
F = Friends. Don’t get me wrong my friends are lovely, but not lovely enough to do Facetime with.
G = Greedy bastard panic-buyers. They’ve made this worse, so that now we’re only allowed three of everything, including socks.
H = Haircuts. When all this has blown over, the barbers will have a field day – there are already some seriously dodgy barnets out there. Including mine, which is just at the stage where no matter what I do with it, it still looks shit.
I = Indifference. People are dying and some people couldn’t give a fuck.
J = Jingoism. Lies invented to make us feel great to be part of a community when the truth is that it’s every man for himself.
K = Kindness. Every little helps in these hard times, especially for nurses and freelancers.
L = Little people. Just when you think you’ve nailed the two-metre rule in Morrisons there’s one right under your feet. They’re a real danger right now.
M = Morrisons. I miss you, even if you did let me down by selling all the Myton Hill wine at £3.98 a bottle to the greedy bastard panic-buyers.
N = Nurses & Careworkers. If this thing proves anything beyond doubt it’s that these people have been treated like shit by successive governments. Double their pay immediately and double it again when they’ve nursed us through this crisis.
O = Onanism.
P = Pornhub. See above.
Q = Quick relief. See above.
R = Rishi to the rescue! 80% of earnings to the self-employed. All good, except for those like me who’ve earned fuck-all, 80% of fuck-all is, well, fuck-all.
S = Sex. In my life it’s long forgotten in terms of numbering more than one person.
T = Thick people. Worse than little people, these are to be avoided, especially the ones who don’t even know where China is.
U = Unwanted emails. I’ve had loads from CEOs of banks, global businesses and utility providers. It’s nice to know they care, but really I’m sure their time would be better spent in bailing out the people who bailed them out.
V = Volunteering. I am proud to say that I am one in a half-a-million who have volunteered to help the NHS.
W = Washing hands. Something we’re told we must do but there’s no soap to do it with because the greedy bastard panic-buyers have had the lot.
X = Xenophobes. They should not be allowed in the country.
Y = Y-fronts. You can wear the same pair for as long as you want because nobody will see them. It’s a side-effect not to be sniffed at.
Z = Zoos. We will by now be clear that we can live without them, as can the animals. So let them out of their cages into the wild where they belong, then leave them alone.