The Heart of Christianity

I’ve never been a fan of Easter, and it’s partly due I think to hackneyed local journalism.  It might sound irrational, but I can’t stand all that “The village of Umbrage is serving up an eggstravaganza for this year’s Bank Holiday Monday fete” bollocks.  Call me miserable but I just hate it, so I’m glad in a way that this year will be different – there will be no fetes and therefore no eggstravaganzas for me to avoid. (I was going to put “avoid like the plague” but that would’ve been a cliché too and I’d be accused of hypocrisy).

What there will be instead I’ve no idea, but I reckon it’ll be pretty tough living alone in my apartment block when the weather’s nice and I’d rather be out walking, listening to birdsong and new born lambs bleating in lush green fields.  But there’ll be none of that either, because I’m in lockdown, towing the party line and saving lives by remaining indoors.

Which can’t be said for the girl on the floor above me, who’s shown blatant disregard for governmental instruction.  It’s night-time when she really gets going, and there have been several comings and goings and parties leading to numerous complaints from other neighbours.  Last night however, the noises were altogether different, as we were forced to bear witness to the girl having the shag (it would seem) of her life.  No empty bottles tossed out of the window, no banging music, just banging, and multiple (it would seem) orgasms.

I’ve nothing against sex of course, quite the opposite, but given that due to isolation I’m not getting any, this was rather rubbing it in.  As it were.  Honestly, was it really necessary to scream?  It’s hard to describe but I reckon it was some way between ecstasy and agony, as if the guy had a dick the size of a rolling pin.  I mean if that’s true, fair play to him, and even more respect for keeping it up for so long. It must’ve been gone two when I finally got some sleep, and for some reason I dreamed I was baking a very large pie. 

Then when I got up this morning I was in a bad mood, wondering what to do about the inconsiderate disturbance and the selfish flouting of current laws.  But when I thought about the wording of another stiff letter to the management company – or even the police – I actually started to laugh… I could just imagine the ensuing local press coverage:

“Police were called to an apartment block in Umbrage last night as one of the residents was reported to be having a sex eggstravaganza.”

So in the end I decided to have a heart and let it go.  As irritating as this was (and as jealous as it made me feel) I just couldn’t bring myself to spoil someone else’s fun in these difficult times.  I can’t help thinking though that this Easter weekend is going to be the hardest and the longest I’ve ever endured.

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1 thought on “The Heart of Christianity

  1. Nothing worse than listening to an almighty shag when a) one is monumentally celibate b) social distancing says no. Could be a long, long weekend, as you point out.

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